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Coping with Pet Loss: A Guide to Grieving and Healing

Grieving the loss of a pet, whether through death or enforced separation, can be a very sad and difficult experience. Life, once filled with the love and friendship of a pet, may suddenly seem very empty.

Feelings of despair, loneliness, and even depression can be overwhelming. There may also be a strong sense of guilt and self-doubt, particularly when a decision has been taken to euthanize or rehome a much-loved pet. These feelings are normal and a testimony to the special bond between people and their pets. Unfortunately, not everyone understands this grief, and it can be a very lonely and isolating experience.

In this guide, created with more than 30 years of experience working within this area, we offer support, tips, and advice sections for adults, seniors, and children coping with pet loss.

We all respond to loss differently – the level of grief we experience will often depend on factors such as our age and personality, the age of our pet, and the circumstances of their loss. Generally, the more significant our pet is to us, the more intense the emotional pain we feel. If we live alone, pets may be our only companions, and coming to terms with their loss can be even harder. Remember there is no time limit on grief – our experience is unique to each of us.

Support for You

Many of us share an incredible bond with our pets – they are an integral part of the family. They give companionship, bring happiness, and for some even provide a sense of purpose. So, when a pet passes away – or goes missing or is stolen – it can trigger all sorts of painful emotions. Life can suddenly feel very empty.

Some useful things to remember

• You are normal. Some people may not understand how upsetting the loss of a pet can be and can make you feel you’re overreacting. You should not feel ashamed of your emotions, and the grieving process can’t be forced or sped along. Be patient with yourself. Understand that what and how you are feeling is perfectly normal.
• Don’t ignore pain – bottling up your feelings will only make matters worse in the long run. To heal, you need to actively face your grief. Don’t be afraid to show your emotions. It’s okay to cry or feel angry, after all, you have lost someone very special and dear to you. Don’t be hard on yourself if some days are more difficult than others.
• There will be events that trigger your grief. These can be visits to places you often went to together or the date of your pet’s arrival or their birthday. Support from others will help. And, when you are ready, you can make these days a celebration of that unconditional love you shared.
• Open up – talking about your feelings and your pet can really help. Don’t be afraid to speak to family and friends, especially if they knew your pet, as they can support you. You may also find putting pen to paper provides comfort. If a pet is lost or stolen, there is often no closure, which can be very difficult. One thing we suggest is writing down how you feel and what you would have said to your pet before they left. This can work for any form of loss.
• Practice self-care – losing a beloved pet can be very stressful, often throwing your normal routine into havoc. It is important to make sure you continue to care for any other animals in your home and, of course, yourself. Look after yourself physically as well as emotionally. Make sure you eat, sleep, and spend time with those who care about you. If you can, try exercising regularly too, as this will release endorphins that will help boost your mood.
• Seek help – finally, if you find that your grief is severely impacting your ability to function in day-to-day life, seek professional help as you might be suffering from depression.

Support for Senior Adults

Throughout life, we experience an increasing number of major life changes. These can include the loss of beloved friends, family, and pets. The death of a pet can hit retired seniors even harder than younger adults, who may be able to draw on the comfort of close family or distract themselves with work. If you’re an older adult living alone, your pet was probably your sole companion, and taking care of them provided you with a sense of purpose and routine.

Following the loss of your pet, it is normal to grieve and feel sad, but it is equally important to recognise signs of depression. Caring for a pet will have previously occupied a lot of your time as well as boosting your morale and optimism. Feeling depressed can cause you to feel worn out, lonely, and isolated.

Some tips that may help at this time

• A change to your daily routine can help – it’s a good idea to try to fill your time with activities you enjoy. Picking up a long-neglected hobby, taking a class, helping friends, and volunteering with rescue groups or animal charities to care for their animals can all help.
• Share your feelings with friends and family who understand how deep your loss feels. If you feel uncomfortable talking to friends, call Pet Loss Support – don’t keep your grief to yourself.
• Accept offers of help and support even if you don’t feel like talking to anyone. Friends, family, and Support Volunteers will offer comfort and help you remember your pet fondly and process your grief.
• Adjusting to life without a pet can be hard, especially if they provided a sense of purpose as well as companionship. Volunteering to help pets in need can be a good way to decide if you’re ready to have a pet of your own again.
• Are you worried this could be your last pet? Don’t deny yourself a companion, or deny a pet a loving home, because of concerns about what will happen to them if you were to pass away. You can sign up for our free Pet Peace of Mind service to be sure your pet will be supported whatever the future holds.
• If you’re not able to care for another pet, it may take some time to accept this, grieve and get used to the world again without them. Be kind to yourself and take time to heal. Grief has no specific timeline, and it can’t be rushed. Just take it one day at a time, and make sure you meet your basic needs of eating, sleeping, and resting. Remember Pet Loss Support is here for you if you need us.

Support for Children

When a pet dies, or isn’t there anymore, it is often a child or young person’s first experience of death or the loss of something close to them. They may become very sad and lonely, feeling they have lost their best friend and an important member of their family. Some children feel numb or experience disbelief or denial. They may also feel anger or guilt, due to something they did or said that makes them think they contributed to the death or loss. The way children, young people and those around them deal with pet loss may lay the foundation for how they cope with other losses later in their lives.

Children’s reaction to the loss of a pet at different age stages

Pets are an important member of the family, and most children form strong and special bonds with them. The death or loss of a pet may be particularly painful if:

• the pet was very special, such as a first pet.
• there have been other losses in the child’s life, for example, the death of a grandparent or loss of friends.
• the child has experienced a lot of disruptions, such as having recently changed schools or suffered a break-up of parents or other family members.

The age of the child and their concept of death may also influence how they react to the loss of a pet.

• Children up to two years of age have little concept of death, but may miss the presence of an animal and will be aware of tensions in the family if others are grieving.
• Two to four-year-olds have difficulty grasping that death is permanent and may ask things like: “Where is Sammie going?” “Why isn’t he moving?”
• Five to ten-year-olds may ask: “Why don’t his eyes close?” “What happens to him when he goes in the ground?” “Will my other pets be lonely?”
• By the age of nine onwards most children are aware of the biological finality of death, and they may be curious about the practical aspects surrounding death, such as post-mortem or burial.
• Adolescence is a time of high emotions, and adolescents may be less willing to share feelings or talk about real issues. They may feel closer to their pet than with other members of their family.

Some tips that may help when supporting a child:

• Consider other possible losses that the child may be experiencing which could be influencing their grief.
• Make sure the child doesn’t hear about the pet’s death from someone they don’t know.
• Always be honest about the circumstances – don’t pretend that the pet has ‘gone missing’ if, in fact, it has died.
• Include the child when discussing options or making decisions about the pet.
• Don’t underestimate their feelings. Encourage the child to talk about their pet and express their emotions – writing a story or poem or drawing a picture of their pet can be helpful.
• Try to understand the importance of the animal and what the child has lost – don’t trivialize or minimize their grief.
• Use language the child will understand – straightforward words such as “dead” or “died” are more appropriate than “put to sleep”, which may cause some confusion and anxiety for younger children.
• Be prepared to talk about how the animal died, but don’t include distressing details.
• Inform their teacher if the child is very upset, but do so discreetly.
• Don’t be afraid to share your own feelings of sadness.
• If children are having other difficulties in their lives, a pet’s death may be the last straw and particular care must be taken to understand their problem; professional help may be needed.

Involving children and young people in planning ways to say goodbye and remember a pet can be helpful and comforting for them.

Burial or cremation of their pet

• Children can choose the burial spot, do some digging or put flowers on the body.
• They could make a gravestone with the pet’s name and/or a message.
• They may want to keep the ashes in a special casket or bury or scatter them in a special place.
• They can select bulbs, plants, or even trees to plant around the grave.

When the Time Comes – Preparing to Say Goodbye

Sadly, our pets have much shorter lives than we do. When illness, injury, or old age affects their quality of life we may need to start thinking about letting them go, peacefully. It’s not easy, but giving your pet a pain-free, peaceful death is one of the kindest things you can do for a much-loved companion.

We’re all responsible for looking out for signs that our pet’s quality of life is deteriorating. For example, you may notice changes to your pet’s behaviour and routine. Maybe they’ve become withdrawn or quiet and lost interest in physical contact or going out. They might have stopped eating or drinking, and their toileting habits may have changed. An injury or illness may be affecting their well-being, physically or mentally. It is important to act in your pet’s best interests, so they don’t experience more pain or suffer unnecessarily. It helps to plan and be prepared. Your vet will be able to guide you on the right time and help you make the best decisions.

You’re likely to experience mixed and raw emotions, both leading up to and after having your pet euthanized. Your pet has been a special companion and member of the family. Some people experience intense feelings of grief, similar to grieving for a human. Many feel guilty or a sense of numbness over their loss, and this is normal and understandable. For others, there is a sense of calm and relief. Sharing your feelings and experience with others before and after euthanasia can be helpful. You may find friends and family can provide the support you need.

Saying Goodbye

Although it’s hard, planning ways to say goodbye and to remember a pet can be helpful and comforting for both adults and children of all ages. Whether you choose burial or cremation, it’s a good idea to involve all members of the family.

Rituals and Burial

Holding a funeral for your pet can help you and your family openly express how you are feeling. This can be particularly helpful for children to process the loss – but only include little ones in the ceremony if they want to be involved.

Cremation

Remember, if you decide on cremation, it is your decision who you instruct to carry out your wishes. Never let anyone rush you – this is an important decision that has to be right for you and your pet.

• You may want to keep the ashes in a special casket or bury them in a special place.
• Ashes can be scattered on favourite walks and special places in the garden.

Memorials

Memorializing our pets is an important part of the grieving process. Here are some popular ways to remember and celebrate their lives:

• Writing poems or letters to your pet.
• Painting pictures and making models.
• Making a scrapbook with photographs or a memory box.
• Volunteering or sponsoring in your pet’s memory.

Introducing Another Pet – When Is the Right Time?

After the loss of a cherished pet, it might be tempting to fill the void with another furry companion. But this is an entirely individual choice and, from our experience, it’s usually best to mourn your old pet first and wait until you are emotionally ready to welcome a new animal into your home. The decision of when to do this is a very personal one. Volunteering at an animal shelter or spending time caring for a friend or family member’s pet might help you figure out if you’re ready or not.

When the time is right, don’t feel guilty for taking a new pet into your life. Remember, your new pet will have their personality and love for you. But we always keep a place in our hearts for those we have loved and lost. Here are some top tips to remember:

1. Don’t rush the decision.
2. Make sure everyone in the family is involved in the decision.
3. Remember your new pet is not a ‘replacement’ for your previous pet.
4. Understand the new pet may be very different from the one you lost.
5. If you have any surviving pets, make sure you consider their needs.